Book Review: Choosing God's Best

I've been kind of by the way, maybe slightly haphazardly, making a conscious effort to build some sort of foundational beliefs and convictions on Christian dating, and what the Bible says. My conclusion: While anything, when misused, misunderstood, and ill-represented, can be a matter of salvation, dating in and of itself, doesn't quite fall into that category for me. However, because I really do believe the Bible and the existence of an omnipotent, omnipresent, all-knowing God, with deep, intense, concrete conviction, its important for me to lay a foundation for what matters to me and my God in matters of the heart.

I've read a few books, so over the next few weeks I hope to share my reviews with you....succinctly, 'cause Lord knows I can ramble ya'll. :) The first book was "Choosing God's Best" by Don Ranikaur. The book has a few things I agree with and some I disagree with. But the overall gist is that the Bible promotes "courtship"  over dating, when it comes to relationships. Ranikaur talks about various stages of friendship: acquaintance, casual, close, and then intimate as a foundation that forces people to develop patience and time to really build something worth standing on. I agree with that because once the looks fade, and all you're left with is a flabby, saggy, baggy ex-supermodel, you'll really wish you had something more substantial to stand on (and maybe something better to look at, or at least some sunglasses). The Proverbs actually mention this reality: "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting.." (Prv.31:30a).

Ranikaur then goes on discuss the stages following intimate friendship, the next being courtship, where one's church family and physical family (given that they are righteously minded, or void of detrimental relational issues) are involved in the entire process. Courtship is a public affair, think of your favorite Jane Austen book, where everyone is made aware of the interest between the couple and nothing is hidden, no seclusion, nor any excessive one-on-on interactions. The courtship process is short and is time for building strong ties with family, friends, and strengthening bonds with each other. Courtship is then followed by engagement which is also short, basically enough time to plan a wedding and develop a deeper emotional oneness. And then comes the wedding union and physical oneness. The premise of Ranikaur's suggestions assumes that you are a Christian who is wholehearted about following God and the bible and that you have your spiritual, emotional, relational, and vocational foundation laid and solid before considering a spouse. Ranikaur also presents the fact that God gives us free will, but wants us to wait on Him to bring us the best choice, in oppose to simply settling for a "good" choice. God will never make the decision for you, but He will expect you to seek him and advisers, wait on Him, and trust Him through the entire process.

How do I feel about this?

I think that aside from a solid and secure relationship with God, a great friendship is the second best foundation of anything worth having, especially male- female relationships. I also believe that if Jacob had the love, patience, and trust to wait 14 years for the woman he loved (Gen.29), what are we rushing for? I desire the next man I date to be the man I marry, so I'd rather someone know me and all my jacked-up flaws and exactly what they're getting, instead of dating for 3mos and realizing they rushed into it...or worse get married and divorce because they didn't count the costs of making the commitment (Lk.14:28).

God made a commitment to unconditionally love a jacked-up person, faithfully and flawlessly, no matter what...shouldn't we also hold ourselves to that same standard in friendships and relationships (Jn.13:34)?

Feature: Moving Into "His Place"

Have you ever found yourself wondering what your partner really thinks about the fact that you've moved into his place? I mean sure he's most likely thrilled to be able to see you and get some on a regular basis. And of course, now that you're here he couldn't imagine how his place ever managed to have been anything but clean. Not to mention, his constantly overfed stomach holds you as its new master for eternity. But all that aside, did you ever think about what he thought before you moved in? A few good male friends of mine broke it down into laymen terms and it seems that we women are a bit mistaken when we tell our girlfriends, "Oh, he's thrilled I moved in, he said it makes life so much easier!"

But quite the contrary. From the male perspective, I quickly became informed that the type of woman that moves into a guy's place after a few short months of knowing him is either about to be kicked out by her landlord or has a temporary loss of determination for her goals and is replacing that loss with momentary love. In fact it's said that most women who lacked the love and presence of a prominent male figure in during childhood will strive consciously or subconsciously to replace that absence in their adulthood. Hence, the quickness to commit to any man that shows them enough attention. However, the search is never ending, not because men come and go, but because once that initial attention and time  diminishes, or becomes altogether nonexistent, the woman feels a sense of abandonment and will more than likely run into to the arms of the next man that can re-fill that void.

It took me back a bit to hear my male friends speak with such passionate disgust about sharing a space with a "Stage 5 Clinger". I mean here I was thinking most men always dreamed of having that "temporary housewife." As our conversation progressed I discovered that some men are comfortable with a woman who takes on the housewife role, but only if it fits into her own personal life plans. But when a woman has her own place to live and goals and dreams that were active just a few days prior, yet places herself in a housewife position, it is due to two things: 1.) she has lost sight of her dreams or her determination has dwindled and 2.) her partner is a jerk that indirectly (or directly) reinforces her role as a "temporary housewife." As they both attempted to explain further I came to finally understand (ok, ok, semi-understand) what men really think about women who move in after a few short months of dating: "She must be desperately seeking the male love and attention she was deprived of as a child, and for a short-time only, I'll be here to provide it."

Personally, I'm not the type of woman that believes in living with my boyfriend, or any man for that matter before marriage, because of the practical and Christian standards I willingly hold myself to. Plus, if you have your own place, why pay rent in your apartment so you can live in someone else's place? Just be wise, what's good for the gander's not always good for the goose. With that said, women note this rule of thumb: always give yourself time to focus on your personal wholeness: physical health, spiritual balance, and emotional well-being. After all, no ring on your finger means he can kick you out anytime, and rock stars don't do homeless.


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